Update:
It's not dead (yet) Jim.
I couldn't remember if I actually removed the belts to test the squeal, so I did that today. I don't hear any noise (knock, chirp or otherwise from the block with my mechanics stethoscope now. I only ran the engine 20-30 seconds or so and the oil pressure did come up.
Pretty sure I lost it through the front main seal. The skid plated is caked in goop, there's oil all the way from the oil pump housing up to the valve cover and down below coating the oil pan, subframe and transmission.
I hereby upgrade the coupe to "fixable".
I'm still going to yank the engine, redo all the oil seals, and upgrade the timing chain to the dual row set.
I also discovered I'm losing brake fluid... and one of my brakes was seized, did a 4' burnout trying to move my car forward a bit. I jacked up the car and the rear was OK (I thought the parking brake was sticking...) and found the front wheels stiff to turn. I guess the rust on the rotors caused them to get stuck... haven't moved the car since I parked it.

I figure I only had one quart of oil left in there. It took over 2 quarts to get it to show on the dipstick, and another 1.5 to get it to the full mark.

And holy shit is the axle rusty, way worse than I remembered. I think I might have to take the axle off at some point and try to clean it up.