The Joke Thread

[celica fanatic]

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure
your headaches.
The bad news is that it will require castration. You
have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on
your spine and the pressure creates one heck of a headache. The only
way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had
anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache
for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an
important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized
that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and
live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's
what I need, a new suit. That'll make me feel a little better." He
entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly salesman eyed him briefly and said,"Let's see, size 44
long."Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years," the salesman said.
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman
asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said,
"Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2
neck."
Joe was surprised. "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years," replied the salesman. Joe tried on
the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the
salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see, size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34
since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head and said, "You can't
wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

[Teranfirbt]

ooooh..
That's just wrong >_>
But amusing.

[83GTCoupe]

Hmmmmmmmmm... Laughter is the best medicine. Maybe we should keep this thread going, and have people post their jokes here.

STATE OF ALABAMA DRIVERS LICENSE APPLICATION

Last name: _________________
First name:
(Check appropriate box)
[_] billy bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ______ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: _____M_____F_____Not sure

Shoe Size: _____Left_____Right

Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Unemployed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name_________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: _________________
3rd Spouse's Name: _________________

Lover's Name: ________________________
2nd Lover's Name: ___________________

Relationship to spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: _____
Number of children living in shed: _____
Number that are yours: _____

Mother's Name: ___________________
Father's Name: ___________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?
___ Total number of vehicles that you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Where your firearms are kept:
[_] truck [_] kitchen
[_] bedroom [_] bathroom
[_] shed

Model and year of your pickup: _______ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; if no, please explain:
_____________________

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not applicable

Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A
How many?_____

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: [_] Red-Man
[_] Skoal  [_] Beech Nut  [_] Sumtin else

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 5-10 miles
[_] over 10 miles
[_] what's a miles?

 

[celica fanatic]

for fun:



Last name: billy
First name:joe
(Check appropriate box)
[_] billy bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_x] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: _65_____ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: _____M_____F__x___Not sure

Shoe Size: __10___Left__15___Right

Occupation:
[_x] Farmer [x_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Unemployed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name___billy jean______________________
2nd Spouse's Name: ____bobby joe_____________
3rd Spouse's Name: _________peggy sue________

Lover's Name: ____woman1____________________
2nd Lover's Name: _______woman 2____________

Relationship to spouse:
[_x] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [x_] Pet

Number of children living in household: __34___
Number of children living in shed: ___10__
Number that are yours: _1____

Mother's Name: _____peggy______________
Father's Name: ___________bill________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [_] own or [_x] rent your mobile home?
___ Total number of vehicles that you own
__1_ Number of vehicles that still crank
_12__ Number of vehicles in front yard
_45__ Number of vehicles in back yard
__18_ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Where your firearms are kept:
[_x] truck [x_] kitchen
[_x] bedroom [x_] bathroom
[x_] shed

Model and year of your pickup: ___toyota____ 1983

Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_x] No; if no, please explain:
________i got a closet_____________

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_x] Rifle and Shotgun

_25__ Number of times you've seen a UFO
2___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
__45_ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[x_] Not applicable

Color of teeth:
[x_] Yellow [_x] Brownish-Yellow
[_x] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A
How many?_____

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: [_x] Red-Man
[_x] Skoal  [_x] Beech Nut  [_x] Sumtin else

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 5-10 miles
[_] over 10 miles
[x_] what's a miles?

[83GTCoupe]

A Valentine:

To My Dearest Wife,

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I

have
succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The

following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:

We will wake the kids - 54 times

It's too late - 15 times

I'm too tired - 42 times

It's too early - 12 times

It's too hot - 18 times

Pretending to be asleep - 31 times

The neighbors will hear - 9 times

Headache or backache - 26 times

Sunburn - 10 times

Your mother will hear us - 9 times

Not in the mood - 21 times

Watching the late show - 17 times

Too sore - 26 times

New hairdo - 6 times

Wrong time of the month - 14 times

You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times

Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always
satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there
was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we??

Love, Your Hubby

**********************

To My Dearest Husband,

I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you
didn't get more than you did this past year:

Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times

Did not come home at all - 36 times

Did not come - 21 times

Came too soon - 38 times

Went soft before you got it in - 19 times

Cramps in your leg - 16 times

Working too late - 33 times

You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times

Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times

You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times

You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times

You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times

You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times

Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times

The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing
the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move
and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I
said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was
thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for
air. Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?"

Love, Your Wife

 

[83GTCoupe]

Things you can ONLY say on Thanksgiving
1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16.  Wow...look at those juices run....
17. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
18. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
19. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
20. How long do I beat it before it's ready?
 

[nkription]

Manisms

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
( The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
© After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

We hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Manhood, Ltd.  

[83GTCoupe]

You know you're from Pennsylvania if...
_______________________________________ _
1. "Hey yunz guyz!" is a greeting.
2.You get time off of work/school for the entire three-day doe season.
3.One of the highlights of your life was a field trip to Penn's Cave and Horseshoe curve.
4.You know exactly what to do when your mother tells you to "red up" your room.
5.You know the time and location of every "wing night" in a 20 mile radius.
6.You don't think people from Philly or Pittsburgh talk funny.
7.You don't understand all the hype about Rolling Rock beer; you've been drinking it for years even though Iron City is better.
8.You consider an exotic vacation to be a trip to Ocean City, Virginia Beach, or Myrtle Beach.
9.You are over 35 yrs. old, have never been outside of Pennsylvania and don't see any need to leave.
10.You own only three spices: "salt, pepper and Heinz ketchup." (or possibly A-1 and Heinz 57 sauces)
11.You design your children's Halloween costumes to fit over a snow suit.
12.Driving is always better in winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
13.You find 20 degrees just a little chilly.
14.You can recite the four seasons: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
15.Words like "hoagie", "chipped ham", and "pop" actually mean something to you.
16.You can use the phrase "fire-hall wedding reception" and not even bat an eye.
17.You think very little of an Amish buggy on the road.
18.You learned long ago how to "step carefully" around the buggy tie-ups in the supermarket parking lot.
19.You constantly refer to Pennsylvania as "PA". How many other states do that?
20.You can go 2 weeks in winter without sunshine and think this is normal.
21.You know that Blue Ball, Intercourse, Bird-in-Hand, Mars, Venus, and Slippery Rock are all PA towns.
 

[83GTCoupe]

Why females should avoid a girls night after they are married:

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the
door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed
another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a
quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a
possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him
"Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all.
Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
 When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said, "Oh shit.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's
throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and
then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

 

[83GTCoupe]

A newlywed couple had only been married for two
weeks. The husband, although very much in love,
couldn't wait to go out on the town and party
with his old buddies. So, he said to his new
wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the
wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to
have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She
opened the door to the refrigerator and showed
him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12
different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan,
India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only
thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes,
lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have
frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the
wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a
frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer
mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was
getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes,
tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors
d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be
long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She
opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of
different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in
blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know...
there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, cutie pie?... "LISTEN UP,
DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR
GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHER-FUCKING
SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, YOU AREN'T
GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"

.. and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't
that a sweet story?
 

[83GTCoupe]

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high
school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in
their jobs. After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a
"gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.


The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,
and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight . Never let
it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual
maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots  (marked with a P)
and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

[83GTCoupe]

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks if she can help him find something. He says that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few moments later the man deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string onto the counter.
The sales girl says confused " Sir … I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"
He says “You see… its like this, yesterday I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she cam back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers cause .. ‘its so much cheaper!'
So, I figure if I have to roll my own … so does she..
 

[83GTCoupe]

An oldie, but still goodie...

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0.
I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected
child processing that took up
a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition,
Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other
programs and now monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0,
Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background
while attempting to run my favorite applications.
I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0,
but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.
Please help!
 
Thanks,
A Troubled User
 _________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain
about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0
to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities
and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by
its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to
return to Girlfriend 7.0.
It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program
files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife
1.0 is designed to not allow this.
Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under
Warnings-Alimony-Child Support.
I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on
improving the situation.
I suggest installing the background application "Yes
Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command
C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately
you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before
the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very
high maintenance.
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such
as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5
and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you
use these programs.
Improper use will cause the system to launch the
program Nag Nag 9.5.
Once this happens, the only way to improve the
performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase
additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and
Diamonds 5.0!
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install
Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3.
This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and
will cause irreversible damage to the
operating system.
 
Best of luck,
Tech Support

 

[nkription]

 

[83GTCoupe]

THREE WOMEN --

ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE
SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND.
 
THE GERMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.
"THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. " I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE JAPANESE WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM
TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."
 
THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FELT DECIDEDLY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUTDONE, SHE
DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE Of TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER BEHIND. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
 
THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FINALLY SAID, "WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT.
I'M GETTIN' A FAX."