The Joke Thread

[Toy Snake]

.............so, the pharmacist says, "Ah, I see, in that case miss, I recommend that you don't ride a bicycle for at least a week!" 

LOL!

[a2ndopinion]

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

The scientific conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah", none could say "Truck."

[Sigma Projects]

All the while reading the joke I was thinking "I know this one, what was it..." then all I could see after the punch line was Mayor Quimby from the Simpsons yelling at a waiter saying it's CHAWDA!!!

[halosorio]

 

[yella81celica]

Why old men don’t get hired…

Interviewer: Tell me your greatest weakness.

Old man: my honesty.

Interviewer: I don’t think honesty is a weakness.

Old man: I don’t give a f**k what you think.

[yella81celica]

Harold got in bed, kissed his lovely wife, and fell into a deep sleep. He awoke before the pearly Gates and St. Peter said

“You died in your sleep, Harold.”

Harold was stunned. "I'm dead...? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back to my wife!”

St. Peter said, "Perhaps that can be arranged, but there aren’t many open spots right now. You’ve got two alternatives: you can come back to your house as a goldfish or as a hen.”

Harold never liked swimming and thought that perhaps being a hen wouldn't be that bad after all. The chickens his wife raised just ran around pecking at the ground, no stress, and at least he’d still be close to her.

Harold replied, "Okay, then I choose to be a hen.” The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground in his old backyard! Another hen strolled up and said, "So, you're the new hen, nice to meet you. How’s your first day here?”

"Not bad," replied Harold, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm gonna explode!”

"You're ovulating," explained the hen. “Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before!”

"Never.." said Harold.

"Well, just cluck twice and then push.” Harold clucked twice and pushed, and voila, out popped an egg. Harold was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood for the first time. He then clucked twice, pushed, and out came another egg. It felt amazing. He never new it was like this! Just as he was about to lay his third egg, his wife called out to him. “Harold! Harold!”

Happiness filled Harold as he saw her running towards him. Knowing she was there to share this moment, he was overwhelmed by joy.

He clucked once, clucked twice, and suddenly felt his wife smack the back of his head. “Dammit, Harold wake up! You're shitting the bed!”