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Author Topic: The Joke Thread  (Read 82145 times)

Offline 83GTCoupe

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The Joke Thread
« Reply #15 on: Jul 12, 2006, 01:50:37 am »
Words Women Use

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows! )
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint! Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

 
"There are only three types of people: Those who MAKE it happen, Those who WATCH it happen, and Those who wonder... "What just happened?" TimmyRigTech Snooch to the nooch!

Offline nkription

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The Joke Thread
« Reply #16 on: Jul 12, 2006, 01:56:47 am »
A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call, the drunk stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time, to the same result.

He figured he'd crawl outside to get some fresh air, since maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his house.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.

He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.

This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, "So you've been out drinking again, have you?!"

"No! What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on his best innocent expression.

"The pub called... you forgot your wheelchair again."

Offline 83GTCoupe

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The Joke Thread
« Reply #17 on: Jul 12, 2006, 02:02:19 am »
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best
patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants
On the operating table, because when you open them up,
everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try
electricians!  Everything inside them is color
coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think
librarians are the best; everything inside them is in
alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like
construction workers...those guys always understand
when you have a few parts left  over at the end, and
when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he
observed: "You're  all wrong. Politicians are the
easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no
balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the
ass are interchangeable.
 
"There are only three types of people: Those who MAKE it happen, Those who WATCH it happen, and Those who wonder... "What just happened?" TimmyRigTech Snooch to the nooch!

Offline 83GTCoupe

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The Joke Thread
« Reply #18 on: Jul 12, 2006, 02:09:34 am »
True...
"There are only three types of people: Those who MAKE it happen, Those who WATCH it happen, and Those who wonder... "What just happened?" TimmyRigTech Snooch to the nooch!

Offline celica fanatic

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The Joke Thread
« Reply #19 on: Jul 13, 2006, 04:26:40 am »
lmao!!
Location: Martin, Ga

Cody Atkinson

Quote from: Vic_Ferrari2002
I blame Cody for getting it locked! Damn shoeless amish!
2000 Celica action package
1980 Celica Supra, 1jzgte vvti swapped

Offline celica fanatic

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The Joke Thread
« Reply #20 on: Jul 13, 2006, 07:18:52 pm »
The Russian wrestling team and American wrestling team are having a 5-on-5 exhibition match. Both teams are down to their final wrestlers, tied at two wins apiece. The remaining American wrestler is 5'10", 175lbs., and his Russian counterpart is 6'7", 300lbs and all muscle. The American coach sends his wrestler into the match with little hope of winning. As expected, the Russian has with way with the American. Suddenly, the American explosively turns the match around, pins the Russian, and gains the victory for the American team.

The American wrestler returns to the sidelines where the coach asks him, "Son, how were you able to defeat that big Russian? Honestly, I didn't give you much of a chance."

The wrestler says, "Well, coach, when he had me down on the ground all rolled up, I saw a pair of nuts dangling in front of my face, and I just bit them as hard as I could."

The coach is shocked. "That's how you beat him?!"

"Hell yeah!" the wrestler says. "You'd be surprised what you can do when you bite your own nuts!"




A very ugly woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids. The Wal-Mart greeter asks, "Are they twins?"

The ugly woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they really look alike?"

"No," replies the greeter. "I just can’t believe you got laid twice."





When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening. Three days later, she became his stepmother.



 
Location: Martin, Ga

Cody Atkinson

Quote from: Vic_Ferrari2002
I blame Cody for getting it locked! Damn shoeless amish!
2000 Celica action package
1980 Celica Supra, 1jzgte vvti swapped

Offline 83GTCoupe

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The Joke Thread
« Reply #21 on: Jul 14, 2006, 03:52:13 am »
Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department.
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the
 hole in.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then
moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl
digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

 

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.  So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

 The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably
 looks odd because we're normally a three-person team.  But today the
 girl who plants the trees called in sick."

 
"There are only three types of people: Those who MAKE it happen, Those who WATCH it happen, and Those who wonder... "What just happened?" TimmyRigTech Snooch to the nooch!

Offline celica fanatic

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The Joke Thread
« Reply #22 on: Jul 14, 2006, 03:55:22 am »
lmfao!!! that sounds like the people around where i live!! :lol: (no offence if you live around me :lol:)
Location: Martin, Ga

Cody Atkinson

Quote from: Vic_Ferrari2002
I blame Cody for getting it locked! Damn shoeless amish!
2000 Celica action package
1980 Celica Supra, 1jzgte vvti swapped

Offline 83GTCoupe

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The Joke Thread
« Reply #23 on: Jul 14, 2006, 03:58:59 am »
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a
coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his
bedside every single day. One day, he motioned for her
to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes
full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me
all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were
there to support me. When my business failed, you were
there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we
lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health
started failing, you were still by my side...
......You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart
began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck, get the fack away from me."
« Last Edit: Jul 14, 2006, 04:00:02 am by 83GTCoupe »
"There are only three types of people: Those who MAKE it happen, Those who WATCH it happen, and Those who wonder... "What just happened?" TimmyRigTech Snooch to the nooch!

Offline celica fanatic

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The Joke Thread
« Reply #24 on: Jul 14, 2006, 04:00:16 am »
thats great!! :lol:
Location: Martin, Ga

Cody Atkinson

Quote from: Vic_Ferrari2002
I blame Cody for getting it locked! Damn shoeless amish!
2000 Celica action package
1980 Celica Supra, 1jzgte vvti swapped

Offline 83GTCoupe

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The Joke Thread
« Reply #25 on: Jul 14, 2006, 04:14:32 am »
THINGS YOU WOULD LIKE TO SAY AT WORK

01. I can see your point, but you're still full of crap.
02. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronouce.
03. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
04. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
05. Ahh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
06. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
07. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
08. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
09. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
10. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
11. This isn't and office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
12. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
14. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
15. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

 
"There are only three types of people: Those who MAKE it happen, Those who WATCH it happen, and Those who wonder... "What just happened?" TimmyRigTech Snooch to the nooch!

Offline Teranfirbt

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The Joke Thread
« Reply #26 on: Jul 14, 2006, 04:16:11 am »
Quote

06. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
 
I have a co-worker that I would like to say this to....
"Why are you dumber than me when you're almost double my age?"
1983 Celica GT-S 2RZ swap: Deered 2014 :(
1986 Tercel 4WD 4AFE Swap: Going strong
1986 MR2: What a beast!
2014 Elantra GT: The reliable one

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." ~ Albert Einstein

Offline celica fanatic

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The Joke Thread
« Reply #27 on: Jul 14, 2006, 04:17:14 am »
lol
Location: Martin, Ga

Cody Atkinson

Quote from: Vic_Ferrari2002
I blame Cody for getting it locked! Damn shoeless amish!
2000 Celica action package
1980 Celica Supra, 1jzgte vvti swapped

Offline Teranfirbt

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The Joke Thread
« Reply #28 on: Jul 14, 2006, 04:26:25 am »
What's sad is I'm dead serious...
1983 Celica GT-S 2RZ swap: Deered 2014 :(
1986 Tercel 4WD 4AFE Swap: Going strong
1986 MR2: What a beast!
2014 Elantra GT: The reliable one

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." ~ Albert Einstein

Offline 83GTCoupe

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The Joke Thread
« Reply #29 on: Jul 14, 2006, 04:27:10 am »
Why condoms are packed 3, 6, 12 to a box.

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to
walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which
the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.... Men
use them to have safe sex."

"Oh, I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in
health  class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3
and  asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one
for  Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, Then who are these
for?" "Those are for college men." the dad answers.   "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a
12  pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied "Those are for married men. One for
January,  one for February, one for March........"
 
"There are only three types of people: Those who MAKE it happen, Those who WATCH it happen, and Those who wonder... "What just happened?" TimmyRigTech Snooch to the nooch!

 

cognitive