The Joke Thread

[83GTCoupe]

04. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
05. Ahh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

My 2 personal favorites.
 

[celica fanatic]

What's sad is I'm dead serious...

which just makes it funnier

[83GTCoupe]

The Sneeze

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the First class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a Tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen Seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before She took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than Before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the Woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, Wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical Condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. I Have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything
For it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper."
 

[83GTCoupe]

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know
where my watch is pal, where the %#!& is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for
the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel
manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is.
Why the %#!& would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do
this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their ass!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I
paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the fucking floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a
choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the %#!&?? Life is the longest damn
thing anyone ever fucking does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone ! asks "Has the bus come
yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumass?
 

[83GTCoupe]

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra
that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from
pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men
took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the crap out of him.

 

[83GTCoupe]

Slap Your Co-Worker Day!!


Tomorrow is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday:

Do you have a co-worker who talks nonstop about nothing, working
your last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don't give a
damn about?

Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE
work for you?

Do you have a co-worker who kisses so much ass, you can look in
their mouth and see what your boss had for lunch?

Do you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious, when he/she enters
a room, everyone else clears it?

Well, on behalf of Ike Turner, I am so very very glad to officially announce tomorrow as SLAP YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY!

Here are the rules you must follow:

* You can only slap one person per hour - no more.

* You can slap the same person again if they irritate you again
in the same day.

* You are allowed to hold someone down as other co-workers take
their turns slapping the irritant.

* No weapons are allowed...other than going upside somebody's
head with a stapler or a hole-puncher.

* CURSING IS MANDATORY! After you have slapped the recipient,
your "assault" must be followed with something like "cause I'm
sick of your stupid-a$$ always messing up stuff!"

* If questioned by a supervisor [or police, if the supervisor is
the irritant], you are allowed to LIE, LIE, LIE!

Now, study the rules, break out your list of folks that you want
to slap the living day lights out of and get to slapping.....and have a
great day.
 

[83GTCoupe]

COMMENTS WRITTEN ON FEDERAL GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
13. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
14. "He's been working with glue too much."
15. "He would argue with a signpost."
16. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
17. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
18. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
19. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
20. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
22. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
23. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
24. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
25. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
26. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
27. "One neuron short of a synapse."
28. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
29. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."
30. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"

 

[celica fanatic]

 

[83GTCoupe]

George Carlin's New Rules for 2006

1 New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a
reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the
football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

2 New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did
you expect it to contain? Trout?

3 New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for
these kids: lucky bastards.

4 New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols.
If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

5 New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

6 New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle
of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery
taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored
water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored
water.

7 New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a
redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is
now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass
will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved
the Social Security crisis.

8 New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the ass
hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande
half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino,
extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh,
you're a huge ass hole.

9 New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my
card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,
deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid
who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

10 New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And
it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything
spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
spiritual. You're just high.

11 New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because
watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.
What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's
called "The Howard Stern Show."

12 New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
I'll go nuts and eat two.

13 New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't
gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

[nkription]

Those almost sound more like Bill Maher. He's got the "New Rules" bit on his HBO show, Real Time with Bill Maher.  Funny, nonetheless.

[83GTCoupe]

Many people hate Bill Mawr. I think he's awsome, because he makes you really sit and think about the topics of discussion, and he's not afraid to speak his mind, even if he's wrong, although IMO, he's usually right.

[nkription]

Yeah, a lot of people hate people that make ya think for yourself. Society is a fan of the blind sheep over the sharp-eyed wolf. I used to watch Real Time regularly, but then I was away from HBO for a while, and lost track, but I'd like to start watching it again.

Anyone else that is able to see the real fact of a matter, and bring it to attention, kudos to them. Of all those who speak their minds, Hunter is my favorite. Mr. Thompson is my idol, and anyone who says he's just some drug user with a typewriter, can go %#!& themselves. His adventures, and who he was are two different things, and both have much to say for them.

[83GTCoupe]

This one has been around awhile, but still funny...

[Teranfirbt]

I like how they note that she is blond, like we couldn't tell already    

[83GTCoupe]

A study at the University of Missouri shows that the type of facial
features that a woman finds attractive can differ, depending upon where she is
at in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If a woman is ovulating, she is attracted to men with
rugged and masculine features.

If she is menstruating or menopausal, she is more prone to be
attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass
while he is on fire.